Home Improvement Onceler

Over the last couple of months, people have been asking me, "what'll happen to the blog if you sell the Devil Queen?"

This question always makes me think of a scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent asks Jules what he'll do once he quits.

Jules: I'll just walk the earth.
Vincent: What'cha mean walk the earth?
Jules: You know, walk the earth, meet people... get into adventures. Like Caine from "Kung Fu."

I love the idea of this. However, the truth is probably something closer to the Lorax.


Over the last couple of years, I've apparently become a go-to person for information on house moving and cautionary tales of woe. If nothing else, drop a coin in the bucket and see what kind of story gets whispered down the tube to you.

Really though, the posts may not be as frequent, but there is still plenty of material to work with relating to the Devil Queen in particular (a prequel of sorts) and old homes in general.

Housemovers of the World, United in Woe

A couple of weeks ago, I happened to meet a couple of old home enthusiast. One of them owned four or five old homes, one of which he'd moved. The house in question was his grandparents' old home. His thoughts on home moving?

"Unless it was a really, really special house, I wouldn't do it again. It's just a major pain."
He actually moved this house quite a bit further than we had moved the Devil Queen. As such, they had to fully dismantle the house, move it, and then reassemble the whole thing. That has to be a special kind of hell.

A Visitor

Yesterday afternoon, I was in the living room when I heard something rustling under the windows. I looked out an saw the tail of something passing by below. I went to Gideon's room and looked out the front window and saw this.

As far as wildlife goes, I'm general a live and let live kind of guy, but coyotes wandering through our yard during the middle of the afternoon gives me pause. Coyotes usually don't attack people, but when they do, they generally attack children. Since I have a five year old and I know there are packs of coyotes in the area, this worries me. Not that I didn't already have reason enough but this gives me yet another to have the yard bush hogged. Soon.

It's A Train Wreck, It's Piling Up One By One (Part 1)

This post is in response to a question I received in a recent post's comment section. Here is the question:

"Anonymous said... I've read your posts from beginning to end during the last week...it's kind of like watching a train wreck...You can't look away! But I've never seen an answer to this burning question: Did you always plan to sell the DQ? It seems the answer is YES. But then my question is, why are your color choices so personal?? I don't mean to be rude, but how many gigantic yellow houses do you see in Ark. with purple kitchens and orange bathrooms?? Just wondering..."

So, did we always plan to sell the Devil Queen? It wasn't our primary goal, but we always figured sooner or later we'd sell it and move.

Our decision to use "personal" color choices was influenced by our last home improvement catastrophe. Our first house was bought with the idea that we'd fix it up and sell it almost immediately. As such, we tried to make it as vanilla as possible. Lots of white walls, neutral colored carpets and flooring, and bland color and style choices in general.

As our luck usually runs, bad things happened. We finished the house and put up for sale. We sold it. Almost. The buyer died the week of the closing. So, we continued living there until we bought the Devil Queen and moved into her a couple years later. We rented the house and put it up for sale again. We sold it. Almost. Our buyer married a crack whore and moved to Conway to live closer to a rehab facility shortly there after.

But, I digress. What I'm trying to get at and failing to is that we ended up living in this first house a lot longer than we planned. With my luck, I'll end up retiring in the godforsaken turd of a house. White walls are okay for nine months to a year, but after that, it starts to grate on you. Frankly, we hated the vanilla.

So, when we started working on the Devil Queen, we decided that even though we might sell her one day that we'd do her up the way we wanted to since we could be living there for a quite a long time. Besides, a new paint job is pretty easy compared to installing new plumbing, reframing walls, etc. See the rest of this blog for details. Granted, we grossly underestimated most people's willingness to work on their own home, including a seemingly simple task like painting an interior wall. We also failed to realize until much later that quite a few people seem to suffer from a fatal lack of imagination. Confronted with a purple or red wall, they are total incapable of imagining it as being anything else.

I'll be the first to admit that not all of our experiments in interior painting have gone well, the Pee Wee's Playhouse Laundry Room is case and point. However, most people who actually come and see the house in person love the color schemes. The master bathroom & bedroom, the living room, and the kitchen are favorites. Most people are overwhelmed by the orange and blue bathroom, but I still like it anyhow.

As for the yellow exterior, I'm really not sure how much of a consideration that is. Granted, it's not really finished and the first two painters we hired ass-raped it. I would argue the Joseph's Coat of a roof and the Amazonian jungle that is our yard probably deter more people than the yellow. I would also argue that while yellow might not be a traditional or period appropriate color for a Victorian, it is not entirely unheard of even in Arkansas. An image search of Google Images yielded these two houses.

I've seen more both here in Arkansas and elsewhere in the US. We also reasoned that most people who would be in the market for an old Victorian house would probably be okay with a certain amount of flamboyance.

Anyhow, I somehow still have more to say about this, but that will have to wait until after the long weekend.

Do It For A Dollar?

Well, here it is for all interested parties. In my personal opinion if you just want an old house find one you don't have to move. If it's the family's homestead or a one of a kind gem, maybe. I wouldn't recommend it though. Click to enlarge the story, it's mostly legible then.

Would You Do It Again For A Dollar?

By the way, the Devil Queen ought to be appearing in the press soon (provided my interview was used). Old-House Journal is running a story about $1.00 houses and whether they are a good idea or not. I think it will be in the May/June issue. We'll see.

So, what do you think I told them?

Feeding the Whirlwind - Wicked Fugling Freak Bestiary and More

Hello all. As you may have guessed from the flurry of posts here, there is a lot going on now. As is often the case, much of what we're doing requires money. After years of feeding the Devil Queen pretty much everything we have, our money tree is looking pretty sad. So, since I'm all I have, here it is: if you would like to buy my art, make me an offer.

First of all, I am still selling Home Improvement Monkey Tees shirts ($20.00 each). Tell me what size you'd like and it's yours. If you want a shirt in something besides gray or white, let me know. Blue? Green? Magenta? If I can find it, it's yours. Next week I should be rolling out the 3.0 Home Improvement Monkeys. Evil never looked better.


Second, I'm selling some of what I call "Devil Queen Art." Over the years, any number of illustrations have appeared here. If you want them, you've got them. If you want an ode of doom and destruction emblazoned upon the reverse in blood, you'll have to pay extra. Most of these are in pen & ink and watercolor. Some are more modest. If you need more details, please let me know.


$50.00

SOLD

$50.00

$35.00

$15.00

Third, if you would like to commission a house portrait, I have room in my schedule for some. There would be about six week turn around for oil on canvas measuring between 18" x 24" to 24" x 30." If you are interested, please let me know.

Email me here if you are interested in any thing here. Thanks!

Finances In Pictures

Here is the short version (in pictures) of why we're dumping the Devil Queen after this torrid romance of ours.

First, our finances before the Devil Queen:

While not exactly a lush jungle of vegetation, there are signs of life in the landscape. In the year leading up to the Devil Queen, I'd started a new, better-paying job, we'd refinanced our starter house, and were on our way to paying off all our debits. We'd invested in some land and started a retirement fund. Things were looking good.

And, here is how our finances are now:

No obvious signs of life. Just despair and the rats who gnaw upon it.

Here is a figure to consider. Admittedly, this is an approximation, but over the years we've spent an average of $3,750 a month on this house. And, we weren't working on it for the entire time we've had it. We burned through over $30,000 just getting it moved and set up on the mountain. I can't remember the exact time scale, but there was a $20,000 week in there somewhere.

Anyhow, a more detailed explanation of our decision soon will follow if you have the stomach for it.

Really though, what the fuck were we thinking?

Pilgrimage

This summer my Dad’s family may be making a pilgrimage back to our ancestral homeland, Chicago.  If this comes to pass, I will be in Chicago sometime in late July or early August.  If any of you Housebloggers would be interested in having dinner or a drink, let me know.  After years of watching you from afar, I’d love to meet you all.